The moment I stopped trying to make everyone happy was the moment everyone started taking me seriously.
Three years ago, I was the “yes” woman everyone loved to work with. Need someone to take on an extra project? Call me. Weekend deadline that wasn’t really urgent? I’d handle it. Difficult client who needed hand-holding? Send them my way.
I thought I was being a great leader—supportive, flexible, always putting the team first. But then I got my 360 review feedback. While people praised my “collaborative spirit” and “willingness to help,” the comments that stung were buried in the “areas for development” section:
“Sometimes unclear about expectations.” “Could be more decisive in difficult situations.” “Would benefit from giving more direct feedback.”
The truth hit me like a cold slap: In trying to make everyone comfortable, I had made myself uncomfortable to work with. My people-pleasing wasn’t serving anyone—not my team, not my company, and definitely not me.
The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice
Here’s what no one tells you about people-pleasing in leadership: it doesn’t actually make people like you more. It makes them respect you less.
When you say yes to everything, you’re not being considerate—you’re being confusing. Your team doesn’t know what your real priorities are. They can’t tell what’s truly urgent versus what you’re just accommodating. And worst of all, they start to question whether you have the strength to advocate for them when it really matters.
I learned this the hard way when one of my top performers came to me frustrated. “I never know where I stand with you,” she said. “You never give me real feedback, and when I ask for guidance on priorities, you tell me everything is important. How am I supposed to excel if I don’t know what success looks like?”
She was right. In my attempt to avoid difficult conversations, I had made her job impossible.
People-pleasing isn’t kindness—it’s conflict avoidance dressed up as consideration.
The Respect Paradox
The biggest myth about boundaries is that they push people away. The reality? Boundaries are magnetic. They create clarity, safety, and respect—three things that actually draw people toward you.
Think about the leaders you most admire. I guarantee they’re not the ones who say yes to everything. They’re the ones who are clear about their values, honest about their limitations, and unafraid to have difficult conversations when necessary.
When you set clear boundaries, you’re not being difficult—you’re being helpful. You’re telling people exactly how to work with you successfully. You’re creating a framework where everyone can thrive.
But here’s the key: boundaries without warmth feel cold and punitive. Boundaries with warmth feel protective and empowering. The secret is learning to be both firm AND kind.
The Powerhouse Mindset Shift
Transforming from people-pleaser to powerhouse requires three fundamental mindset shifts:
From “I don’t want to upset anyone” to “Clear expectations serve everyone”
When you’re unclear about expectations, you’re not protecting people from discomfort—you’re setting them up for failure. The kindest thing you can do is be crystal clear about what success looks like.
From “Saying no makes me difficult” to “Saying no makes me reliable”
When you have clear boundaries, people know exactly what they can count on you for. This makes you more valuable, not less. A leader who says yes to everything delivers nothing excellently.
From “Conflict is scary” to “Conflict is data”
Difficult conversations aren’t attacks—they’re information. When someone pushes back on your boundaries, they’re showing you exactly where clarity is needed most.
Your Boundary-Setting Toolkit
Ready to make the transition? Here are the exact scripts and strategies that transformed my leadership—and can transform yours:
For the Chronic Over-Committer
Instead of: “Sure, I can take that on too.” Try: “I appreciate you thinking of me for this. Let me check my capacity and get back to you by Wednesday.”
Instead of: “I’ll figure out how to make it work.” Try: “I want to give this the attention it deserves. To take this on, I’d need to shift [specific project] to next week. Does that work?”
For the Deadline Accommodator
Instead of: “I’ll try to get it done by then.” Try: “I want to deliver quality work. To meet that timeline, I’ll need to adjust the scope to [specific deliverables].”
Instead of: “I know it’s rushed, but I’ll make it happen.” Try: “Based on my current priorities, I can have this to you by [realistic date]. If you need it sooner, let’s discuss what can be deprioritized.”
For the Feedback Avoider
Instead of: Saying nothing when someone misses expectations. Try: “I care about your success, which is why I need to address this. Here’s what I’m seeing: [specific behavior]. Here’s what I need to see instead: [clear expectation].”
Instead of: “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Try: “I believe in your potential, and that’s exactly why we need to talk about this gap. How can we get you the support you need to meet this standard?”
For the Authority Accommodator
Instead of: Immediately saying yes to senior leaders’ requests. Try: “I’m committed to delivering excellent results on [current priority]. Taking this on would compromise that quality. Can we discuss alternatives or timeline adjustments?”
Instead of: “I’ll figure out how to do both.” Try: “I want to be strategic about where I focus my energy to drive the best results. Help me understand the relative priority of these initiatives.”
The Grace and Grit Formula
The secret to assertive feminine leadership is what I call “Grace and Grit”—being simultaneously warm and unwavering.
Grace means:
- Leading with care and consideration
- Explaining the “why” behind your boundaries
- Offering alternatives when you can’t accommodate
- Maintaining warmth even during difficult conversations
Grit means:
- Being clear about your non-negotiables
- Following through consistently
- Not apologizing for having standards
- Staying calm when people test your boundaries
For example, instead of just saying “No, I can’t do that,” try: “I care too much about the quality of my work to take this on right now. I want to give you my absolute best, which means protecting my bandwidth for our highest-priority initiatives. Let’s look at other options.”
See the difference? Same boundary, completely different energy.
Navigating the Boundary Backlash
Here’s what no one warns you about: when you start setting boundaries, some people won’t like it. The colleagues who benefited from your people-pleasing might push back. They might call you “difficult” or “demanding” or suggest you’ve “changed.”
Good. You have changed. You’ve evolved from someone who says yes to everything to someone who says yes to the right things. That’s not regression—that’s growth.
Remember: the people who are upset about your boundaries are usually the ones who were benefiting from your lack of them. Their discomfort is not your responsibility to manage.
The right people—your true allies, your best team members, your ideal clients—will respect your boundaries and work better with you because of them.
Your 30-Day Boundary Building Challenge
Ready to make the shift? Here’s your step-by-step transformation plan:
Week 1: Awareness
- Track every time you say yes when you want to say no
- Notice the physical sensation of over-commitment
- Identify your top three boundary-crossing patterns
Week 2: Practice with Low Stakes
- Use the “let me check my capacity” script for smaller requests
- Practice saying no to one non-essential meeting or commitment
- Give one piece of direct, kind feedback you’ve been avoiding
Week 3: Increase the Stakes
- Set a boundary with a peer or direct report
- Use the deadline negotiation scripts for a real project
- Say no to something that feels slightly uncomfortable
Week 4: Own Your Power
- Set a boundary with someone senior to you
- Have a difficult conversation you’ve been postponing
- Reflect on how people are responding to the new, more assertive you
The Powerhouse Promise
When you make the shift from people-pleaser to powerhouse, everything changes. Your team becomes more efficient because they have clear direction. Your work improves because you’re focused on the right priorities. Your stress decreases because you’re no longer trying to be everything to everyone.
Most importantly, you start attracting the right opportunities and people into your life—those who value clarity, respect boundaries, and want to work with someone who knows her worth.
The women in my tribe who’ve made this transition report the same thing: “I wish I had done this sooner.” They don’t miss the constant stress of over-commitment. They don’t miss the resentment that builds when you give more than you receive. They don’t miss being taken for granted.
What they do have is respect, influence, and the energy to focus on what truly matters.
You weren’t born to make everyone comfortable. You were born to make a difference.
And making a difference requires the courage to disappoint people who want you to stay small, so you can serve the people who need you to step up.
Your boundaries aren’t walls—they’re the foundation of your power. It’s time to build something beautiful on that foundation.
Ready to practice these boundary-setting skills with women who get it? Join the Figure 8 Trybe WhatsApp community where we share our boundary wins, troubleshoot challenging situations, and cheer each other on as we step into our power. Because transforming from people-pleaser to powerhouse is so much easier when you have your tribe by your side.
What’s one boundary you need to set this week? Share it with the tribe and let us hold you accountable to your own power.